The past month or so I haven't been writing much of anything, no poetry, no short passages. Zip.  Zero.  Nada.  I think maybe what I'll do is start posting my poems, one at a time and let you guys comment and maybe help me edit them and *gulp* get up the courage to publish them.  Please don't worry about being unkind in what you say, negative criticism is how we grow, and I welcome it with open arms, so please, enjoy a few poems and short passages.  If you have any suggestions for adding on or deducting, let me know, thank you.

MY BLOOD

My blood bubbled and boiled under my skin

that treacherous snake slithered passed me again

yet try to forget him today and tomorrow

my heart has no holding of sense

DARKNESS

I am left in the darkness with no light for me to hold

The air is dead and silent, breath short, heart turned cold

I see no light creeping through the barred up windowed room

Yet I still see the shadows of a dark and foreboding gloom

All of this darkness is harbored in my mind

When really I’m in a sun filled room, a more uplifting kind

Yet it seems so much easier to stay inside my head

Much easier to find nothingness in the day that is ahead

Can you help me look beyond the visions that I see

Can you help to reflect the light that is deep inside of me

Just hold me close to you and tell me it’s alright

And together with some help, these visions I will fight

Take me out of darkness, bring me into light

Help to stop my weeping heart and make the world more bright

KALEIDOSCOPE

When you look into a kaleidoscope what do you see

I see something that resembles me

When you look at the outside it always appears the same

It mirrors myself as plain and even tame

The inside you see is fairly simple too

Three little mirrors and beads of red, green, and blue

A kaleidoscope may seem simple and always the same

But take a look inside and see the phenomenal change

Look at the colors, its beauty divine

And you realize the insides are just like mine

I can be simple and complex too

Just as the designs of red green and blue

I am always the same, always me, never changing

My styles and thoughts are just rearranging

I want you to see all my different sides

My loving, my friendship, and even my pride

If you just get to know me, just give me a chance

You may see a friendship that you just cannot pass

You may see my hurt and even my pain

But you’ll also see the love that you have to gain

There will be sides that you hate and sides that you love

Even a side you have been dreaming of

So please stay by me for my next turning

Fro there may be a side of me that has your heart yearning

I guess right now, in my life I'm relitively happy.  I'm going to school for art and theater, although I'm only finishing a theater minor because I took so many of the classes already.  I think maybe after I get settled, I'd like to go back to school to become a counselor, for children specifically.

School is going ok, classes are fine, and I actually think I might get higher than a 3.2 this semester, which for me is a big deal.  I'm on the verge of getting a job, which is great, I have decent roommates, and I'm trying to keep in touch with my friends and family a little better.

Sounds kind of boring, maybe a little lame but that's what my life is right now...but I guess, I'm forgetting the biggest thing that makes me happy...or should I say person?

No one really knows about this person, his name is Gary by the way, no one in my family at least, but I'm guessing after this one of my cousin's will know, and I'm ok with him knowing because if I wasn't, I wouldn't be writing this right now.  Maybe I should back up a little bit in our little history lesson.

About a year ago, I knew this guy named Greg, from Ohio.  We knew each other online from a game room and we became good friends, talked online all the time, on the phone, and on cam.  I really liked him, and grew to love him.  Unfortunatly, he had a very bad history, one I chose to ignore *yes I knew all about it ahead of time* because I in a way wanted to show my family that I was finally doing something that I wanted.  I was an adult and I could talk to or be with whomever I wanted.  Well that was stupid of me, very stupid.  Even though I knew I didn't want to be with him, I fought my family on it, more or less because I just wanted them to see me as an adult who could make her own decisions.

Now, back to Gary.  I met Gary at around the same time, he was quite a bit older than me so we were just friends basically.  He's from Oklahoma, and we talked a lot I guess and as a result, we grew closer.  He wanted me to stay away from Greg, wanted me to listen to my family, and didn't want to see me get hurt.  Him and I actually got into a couple of big fights, but...even so, we still came back t one another.

After christmas break things with Greg and I dissolved completely, and things with Gary and I grew stronger.  We talked everyday in between our classes.  He was a non traditional student going to an Oklahoma university to become a teacher and he was in his third year.  Well at the end of the semester he got a job off with shwisher *sp* and he took it and he traveled a lot but would still call me after work and at night.

He is so amazing.  I don't think I've ever met a more beautiful human being in my life.  He would give anyone the shirt off of his back if they needed it, and would go without just so that you would have something.  He's funny, kind, and he get's me.  There are so many different sides to me and he loves them all, and he's interested in the things I am, he wants to learn about everything that I love. 

He makes me feel beautiful, honest to god beautiful.  He never misses a chance to tell me that he loves me, or how wonderful I am.  I kid you not, the kind of love I feel from his is something I only ever dreamed of recieving.  And when I think about my future, without him in it, it makes my heart ache and I don't think I can do it.  I love him so much and he loves me too, so much, I can feel it.

There is a problem though.  He just recently got a promotion, which is wonderful for him, but it means he had to move to Louisiana.  Oklahoma was closer and I could deal with that...if I had to move...but I'm not sure about Louisiana.  Of course he said he'd try to go anywhere I wanted to go.  I had mentioned Washingtong once and he showed me a few possible jobs for himself.  And the other problem...the biggest one...he's 38.  If you don't know how old I am...I'm going to be 21 on Wednesday.  Yes I understand how big of a gap there is, I know that.  I know it will be hard to have a family, there is a very small window of time open to us, and that he will die probably long before me....but, that doesn't matter to me.  I would rather have a few decades with him than none at all.

I know this is all very rash since we've really only known each other online and on the phone, but it's everyday, for hours when we can spare them.  And sure he may not be the most handsome man out there, but I've learned to love everything about him.  Do I wish things were different?  Yes.  I wish we were closer in age, closer in distance but that's nothing we can change.  And if we want to be together then we have to be able to spend more time together to know thta's what we really want.

So now the big question.  After the whole Greg fiasco and making myself look stupid and like a fool...how do I tell my family, my very protective family, about Gary.

They don't know that he's already come up to see me and I hope they don't find out yet, so Andy if you're reading this *shhh* and he wants to come up in November, meet me in Milwuakee.  I just hate having to lie to my family, to sneak around, and he doesn't like it either.  He would like me to tell my family so they can get used to the fact of us being together.  I'm just really scared.

I do know that I love him.  I know that he loves me.  And this is what I want, and what would make me happy.  I just hope that's enough.

He’d been telling me to write our story for over a year now, as a way to show the world how we felt. I would write bits and pieces here and there, but none of them fit together, since I never knew were to start. Where was our beginning? Should I start on the first night? We were more driven by lust then, no intentions of this going further. My birthday perhaps, I realized how much I could love two people, and found out that hurting him, hurt me worse. No, that wouldn’t be a happy beginning. Should I try Christmas, or spring break, the summer, or the night that we first made love?

I took another drag of my cigarette, filling my mouth with the bitter smoke, breathing in deep then out, finally inhaling a small amount of smoke into my lungs, and blowing it slowly out the window where it mixed the slight frostiness of my breath in the cool air. Smoking had never appealed to me before, but I found now that times when I missed him the most, and was stressed out the most were the times I was reaching for a cigarette. I didn’t plan on this becoming a habit, but I couldn’t ignore the dizzy, slightly buzzed feeling it gave me.

Other than the calming feeling it gave me, I didn’t like it much. Smoke burned my throat and the smoke in my lungs made me wheeze. I took another drag, watching the end glow orange. He didn’t like that I smoked, even though he did it every single day. I didn’t like the idea of him smoking, ut when we kissed, I didn’t taste it, and I could only faintly smell it on his close, but it was never a bad scent. I would never tell him this but, I smoked because of him. When I missed him as badly as I did tonight, I would do anything to make myself feel closer to him. To remember what smoke smelled like on skin, or the slight aroma of it, even after you were done. It was silly, and stupid of me, but it helped to quiet the ache in my chest.

I ground the butt of the cancer stick into a makeshift ashtray and stared out the window.